In a lyrical thought

or a stumbled chord,

I sometimes make sense of myself in the world.

With each note that is whispered, 

I find myself captured,

and lead to a place

of home, of my heart

and of love and ambition.

It’s sometimes dark, and sometimes cold

But I can feel the light and the warmth.

With my fingers I reach for notes, 

with my fingers I reach for the streams. 

It seems there is nothing else, 

apart from this musical dream.

 

 

 

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I keep having these flashbacks of moments in my life that seem like a whole other world. That’s what scary about life, is that when people come and go, it’s like you are shifting from world to world and apart from memory – there’s nothing to say it never happened. Even the moments and memories I keep, are nothing but hazy dreams with nothing to link them together.

Sometime I wonder, How did I get here? Somehow I am lucky enough to be almost exactly where I have always wanted. Apart from the fact I am brunette, I am pretty much the person I aspired to be at my age. 

I always knew that leaving school was all I needed to become who I wanted to be. I just felt such a barrier, but not from the studying side – from the people. Change is sometimes what you need to become who you really are. Sometimes people can put you in a box, and it’s hard to get out of. It’s hard to be different when every one is expecting you to be the same.

I always love the feeling of change, it’s always so fresh and unfamiliar. I guess thats why I like break-ups. As much as they always hurt for a bit, making that huge change gives me a thrill. Now I sound like a bitch, but hear me out. Because honestly, when breaking-up is for the better, which it almost always is unless you are perfect-for-each-other-forever-and-ever, it’s always a good thing. I somehow always see the good in change and maybe that’s not a good thing but I like to think it is.

I’m always looking for the future, so I guess that’s why I’m so caught up in making the right decisions. If I figure out that there’s something in my life that shouldn’t be there , it’s gone as soon as I decide.

I don’t know what happened to this post, but it sure got out of hand. Oops.

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I keep having these dreams

these beautiful paintings of

you and i.

I hold my breath so long until I see you

and feel your warmth

and your weight.

this is crazy I know,

and you would agree how nonsensical it all really is, isn’t it dangerous?

Won’t it hurt people, confuse us–

but your skin

and your familiar smile, your eyes

something about you comforts me in every way, in every way that I need,

right when I need it

and I miss you now

which is also silly

but you already know I’m verging on insane, crazy and complicated, deep and

who cares.

and all I know right now is that I wish we could travel the world, running away together, is that weird?

What even is love? How can you define it?

Or am I thinking too hard when really it’s right in front of me. Where you always feel you are being pulled toward them. Where you know you will tell them any part of you and they will smile at you with the same smile. Where that one person is the only guy who really knows you, and you call him your friend but really you can’t help but dream about him even when you shouldn’t, I can’t help my dreams. Maybe love really is where in every situation you are in, you feel yourself being drawn to them. Because if that is true, then I’m in love with you.

I have way too many blogs that are just filled with a million different parts of me but you know what, I don’t even know why I am writing this. I guess I just, how the heck did it go to italics. Anyway, no one even reads this. So I should do some work. I really want to meet people. New people and old people. How strange is time, it does things to you and you can’t even try to stand still. Alone again, but I feel like myself, or is that bad? I have no idea. I wonder if anyone will even read this. I kind of miss you. 

I guess I just become friends with guys I get involved with, and there goes all my friends. 

I’ve only ever really cared about two, and loved one.

What a strange thing to say, I guess. But it’s okay because the one I shouldn’t will never know. What an invisible person in my life but not even at all. Ha ha. I don’t know why I felt the need to laugh. 

I don’t know why I always come back to you and it’s not like I want you, or I particularly liked our togetherness I just miss your strength. Why aren’t men men anymore? Why aren’t they strong, no one seems to know what they want or can’t stand by themselves or maybe you just covered up your insecurities with your confidence. So is everyone just lying then? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you. I just miss how you were bigger than me, and stronger than me. Thats what I want. But your mind is messed up, I hope it isn’t anymore. I really hoped you would use your strength for something good.

Okay thats all I’m saying. 

Wandering alone is the only thing I know. But what happens when someone follows?

I’m surprised and he’s curious.

I smile, he vanishes.

I run for months, searching for the ghost.

I see him in dreams and then I wake up.

Til soon I remember how to wander again.

 

This wasn’t the end of the road for me,

Because one day, I met another wanderer

I’m surprised and curious.

I smile and hide.

I pace my steps, am I a ghost?

Am I unseen or just asleep?

This beating in my chest, and nervous rambling

Can’t be any more obvious.

Seeking the world that lay before me. My ears silence the mumbling around me and I think about taking a step. The wild whistling of the wind howling in my ear. My thoughts are blurred and somewhat small. Call me the crazy lady, who is thinking in small writing. But only today. While I stand in the breeze and stare at my feet. Why won’t they move without my consent? I wonder.

The beautiful blue colour, brought from release. If only feelings were colours, and they would have something to prove.

Where we stand. Around the mountain, caught in the middle. The dusty breeze blinding my sight. The atmosphere surrounding me, my own self. Dismissed, deserted. Or so I had hoped. Even though you’ve waited so long. Here comes the feeling you thought you’d forgotten.